No Easy Day

John Guillen18 Comments

Yes, I stole the title of the book I’m sure many of you have read. But it fits perfectly with this post. This won’t be about books.

I’m already crying my eyes out and I haven’t written anything.

One year ago today I lost my grandma. It was the single worst day I’ve experienced in my 27 years. I haven’t had a good day since then. I’ve had a few okay days, but oh so many absolutely terrible ones. On the outside I look fine. No one in public or at work has any idea anything is wrong. Even the few who do know, don’t. Not really.

When she died it was part of a chain of events that continued throughout the year that I haven’t overcome. It’s so easy to get a glimpse into someone else’s life and think all is well. They don’t have to worry about money? They have a nice place to live? They try to travel as much as they can? They work for a Fortune 100 company with lots of potential growth opportunities? They must be doing so well!

All of those describe me. And I’m not doing well at all.

No one understands my feeling of not being good enough for anything. Not good enough for a better job. Not good enough for people to genuinely care about me as a person. Not good enough to be in a relationship. Not deserving to be happy. And on and on.

I have maybe 5 friends. I should take the blame because I’m the lone constant in the endless line of people leaving. Honestly, I don’t expect to regularly talk to any of them by year’s end. It’s just how things are. But when I’m really having a terrible time I only turn to 1. Or when it gets really bad, my ex. Lately I’ve stopped saying anything to anyone because who wants to be the person constantly bothering someone else about how bad things are? Or the person who never has their shit together? Or worse, the person pitied by others? Not me. Especially when I do reach out just to talk and get nothing in response.

I know there are so many people out there feeling the same as I do. But still my feelings are only mine. No one walks in my shoes just the same as I don’t walk in anyone else’s.

I don’t know what the best course of action is. Therapy, probably. Which I haven’t done because I’m too embarrassed. If someone asked me to my face why I feel the way I do I wouldn’t have an answer. And quite honestly, I’d just break down.

My birthday was recently. I visited my grandma because she would always sing me happy birthday. I cried alone at the cemetery for an hour and went home and went to sleep. Remember those maybe 5 friends I mentioned? Not one said anything. Not one.

When all of this really began in late 2017 I never thought I’d get to 2019 and feel worse. But here I am. Yet I want to end with something positive. When someone makes an impact on you or simply helps you through some rough patches, let them know. You might feel silly or nervous or awkward, but I promise the other person will appreciate knowing they’ve helped you along the way. I cannot think of anything negative that can come from a genuine message of “I really appreciate everything you do for me.” Can you?

I’m still crying. And that’s okay.

If you read this far, thank you. I know this didn’t flow well at all.

PS: I got this in October as a daily reminder to just trust myself. I’m still working on it.

18 thoughts on “No Easy Day”

  1. I’m sorry for your loss, and that you’ve been having a difficult time lately. It’s good that you are speaking up and reaching out. If your IRL friends aren’t stepping up, hopefully the words of an internet stranger might help.

    You are not alone. Knowing that might not feel like it helps right now, but in my experience, it can assuage some of the pain to know that others have been there before and gotten through it. I have dealt with a few of these patches myself, and as awful as it feels in the moment, it will get better.

    I recently quit drinking alcohol which, along with the obvious challenges, also brings with it a flood of related issues: for example, learning how to deal with the real problems in my life instead of just drowning them in booze. Therapy is not an option for me right now, but I have found some self-help and philosophy reading to be very helpful. I know you are a reader, so I’ll share my favourites: “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle, which never appealed to me when I wasn’t depressed, but really spoke to me when I read it in recovery. “The Consolations of Philosophy” by Alain de Botton, if you read any classical literature and philosophy you will appreciate this, and even if you don’t de Botton really made me realize that all of my problems were very much human problems. That I wasn’t alone, and that people had been feeling like I did for the whole of human history. Also, on a more irreverent note, I enjoyed “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck” by Mark Manson, which I think came up in one of your other posts. If you haven’t read that one yet, give it a go. It’s similar to Tolle’s work, but with a lot more f-bombs. Let’s face it, sometimes that’s just what we need, haha.

    Wishing you a happy belated birthday, and hoping that you find your way back to happiness and contentment.

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    • I read this the first time yesterday when I got to the cemetery to visit my grandma. So you have my sincere thanks. I read it several times throughout the day. I wasn’t sure what to say in response, so I waited.

      I was recently reading an article that during the holidays self help books were selling better than health/wellness ones at BN. And I think two of the ones you mentioned were included. I’m going to look them all up.

      Thank you for everything you said. Even though I was alone all of yesterday and not feeling all that great your words gave me a different perspective and I needed that.

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  2. It did flow although it wasn’t easy to read as I have some of the same thoughts you have just described.
    My grandmother died in January 2017, it will be the one year anniversary this month and I’m not ready. She was a mother to be and still to this day I find myself crying at night. It’s not easy.
    It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel that way.
    As for help, you should feel embarrassed to go to therapy, you should feel accomplished for making that step and I hope you do. I have done it in the past and I utterly recommend.
    I wish you very happy birthday and if you need to talk you have these amazing internet friends. And don’t feel bad for having 5 friends as long as you love them. I have about the same and I don’t need anymore.

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  3. I am always here for you John Raymond, you see I know exactly what you are going through because I am in the exact same place. I am sure we can help each other. John Raymond, don’t you realize your help and support has kept me going I cry every day and I feel so lonely you have been one of the bright spots in mine and your Mom’s life. Lets talk, I Love You My Son.

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  4. Even though I haven’t dealt with bereavement in the way you are or have, I have definitely felt those feelings of not being enough. I still feel them sometimes every day. I had a terrible period in which I was able to plod along, in which I was able to make seem like everything was okay and everyone else believe me. I was so good I kept on believing myself. I kept telling myself I didn’t need therapy because my problems weren’t big enough, important enough, because I would be wasting someone’s time. What.a.fool.I.was! Don’t fall for what your mind is telling you right now about yourself because it is all lies and/or distorted. I would say please, please look for help. I promise you will thank yourself in the future even if it feels absurd right now. Is better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Don’t let yourself hit rock bottom first. You are worth fighting for.
    I’m really sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself.

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    • Now I feel silly. You’re so right. I wrote this post like a week in advance. So when it actually went up I wasn’t too bad. And I also decided afterward that I wouldn’t talk about any of it anymore because I’m sick of it myself. I’m sick of just feeling sorry for myself. And of wasting my own time and anyone else’s talking about it all. I know that’s probably not the best way forward, but I think it’s what I’m going to do still.

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      • You shouldn’t feel silly, this will all make you and is what makes you who you are. I think you should talk but to someone that can help you. Getting support and solace from friends and family is important but genuine counselling can help you help yourself (excuse the cliche but it’s true) and that will make you a stronger person. Don’t hide and don’t let it win, but asking for help is not losing, is learning how to fight it.

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      • I’m not an expert, I’m a fellow sufferer but I do know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You don’t have to take medication unless you want to and also, depression or anxiety after or due bereavement is normal and most people that experience it finds that it goes away with time and therapy. This as opposed to a more ‘chronic’ condition. I have GAD and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop taking medication, but I know that it is always a possibility and I also know that I probably wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t gotten the help I needed. Yet, I know from what my counsellors have told me that they see people that maybe need them for a while and they know they’ll never see them again. It’s exactly like a physical illness, if you get a cold is crap but you know if you take care of yourself and treat it you’ll be fine. However, if you let a cold go untreated and you push it you might get something like bronchitis or some other more serious illness that might then leave you with some sort of related issue for the rest of your life. What I’m saying here is that you should treat that mental cold cause if you leave it it will only get worst. A diagnosis (if there is one) won’t change who you are, but prolonged self-hating will.

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      • This is the best advice I’ve ever gotten for anything. Oh my goodness. I won’t lie and say I’m for sure doing anything, but you’re making me think about everything quite a bit.

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      • No pressure dude. It’s all about valuing yourself, what you want and who you are. Not the evil voice on your head or what those around you believe, but the you that makes you happy. I’m glad to help, and I genuinely hope you find the way that works for you to feel better. You deserve it 🙂

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