I’ve written a bit on here over the start of 2018 about my attempt to find some form of happiness. I even wrote more recently about how rough January ended up being. And then I had a lightbulb moment.
I have nothing to be unhappy about. Not a damn thing. Let me tell you what I’ve had going on recently besides my grandma’s death.
In November I earned my first quarterly bonus at work. In December I was recognized as one of the top 8 reps doing my job in my entire office (roughly 100 total). I’m getting my second quarterly bonus on Friday. My 6% pay raise goes into effect April 1. I’m doing very well financially. This isn’t to throw in anyone’s face, but I know so many problems arise from finances. I have a small group of friends who are even better than I’ve given them credit for. I have the ability to travel if I want to or try new things. I don’t have to worry about having food or shelter. And I’m doing my best to finally learn to speak Spanish.
There’s nothing negative in my life. Everyone deals with feeling sad or lonely differently. I know my situation is only my own. But as soon as I stopped feeling sorry for myself I felt better. I don’t dread my days off work. I don’t dread the minute I walk in the door after a workday. And no one should.
I began the year by posting daily about my own personal struggles in recent months. I haven’t posted in recent weeks because all the things I’d been writing about worsened and worsened to the point of me texting someone at 4 in the morning a couple of weeks ago that I was on the verge of complete collapse.
But it was something entirely unexpected that caused this. My grandma fell ill.
I’m going to be completely honest with y’all. As an adult I’ve always maintained the attitude that death shouldn’t sadden us the way it typically does because every one of us will reach that day. My grandma was the closest relative I’ve lost. All of my other grandparents died when I was younger. I have memories of and with them, but I had my grandma twice as long as all the others. And I lived with her for 14 years.
She left us on the 19th. I went home from the hospital and cried all night. I’ve cried every day since. I’ve never cried more at any point during my 26 years.
I delivered the eulogy on the 25th. It was the single greatest honor of my life to tell everyone about my grandma and what I learned from her. Her funeral was the 26th. I’m still not sure I can handle this going forward.
But one thing I learned throughout all of this is that I’ve been mistaken for a really long time. I’m not alone, no matter how I might feel. I’ve had old friends reach out to me. But even more importantly, I’ve come to realize I have my family. It shouldn’t take death to realize this.
I already miss my grandma more than I can possibly put into words here. But I’m so much better off because of the two and a half decades I had with her.
Let my experience possibly be a lesson for you. We’ll all experience the feeling of loneliness I’ve been experiencing, but we aren’t alone. Not really. Not a single one of us.