No Easy Day

Yes, I stole the title of the book I’m sure many of you have read. But it fits perfectly with this post. This won’t be about books.

I’m already crying my eyes out and I haven’t written anything.

One year ago today I lost my grandma. It was the single worst day I’ve experienced in my 27 years. I haven’t had a good day since then. I’ve had a few okay days, but oh so many absolutely terrible ones. On the outside I look fine. No one in public or at work has any idea anything is wrong. Even the few who do know, don’t. Not really.

When she died it was part of a chain of events that continued throughout the year that I haven’t overcome. It’s so easy to get a glimpse into someone else’s life and think all is well. They don’t have to worry about money? They have a nice place to live? They try to travel as much as they can? They work for a Fortune 100 company with lots of potential growth opportunities? They must be doing so well!

All of those describe me. And I’m not doing well at all.

No one understands my feeling of not being good enough for anything. Not good enough for a better job. Not good enough for people to genuinely care about me as a person. Not good enough to be in a relationship. Not deserving to be happy. And on and on.

I have maybe 5 friends. I should take the blame because I’m the lone constant in the endless line of people leaving. Honestly, I don’t expect to regularly talk to any of them by year’s end. It’s just how things are. But when I’m really having a terrible time I only turn to 1. Or when it gets really bad, my ex. Lately I’ve stopped saying anything to anyone because who wants to be the person constantly bothering someone else about how bad things are? Or the person who never has their shit together? Or worse, the person pitied by others? Not me. Especially when I do reach out just to talk and get nothing in response.

I know there are so many people out there feeling the same as I do. But still my feelings are only mine. No one walks in my shoes just the same as I don’t walk in anyone else’s.

I don’t know what the best course of action is. Therapy, probably. Which I haven’t done because I’m too embarrassed. If someone asked me to my face why I feel the way I do I wouldn’t have an answer. And quite honestly, I’d just break down.

My birthday was recently. I visited my grandma because she would always sing me happy birthday. I cried alone at the cemetery for an hour and went home and went to sleep. Remember those maybe 5 friends I mentioned? Not one said anything. Not one.

When all of this really began in late 2017 I never thought I’d get to 2019 and feel worse. But here I am. Yet I want to end with something positive. When someone makes an impact on you or simply helps you through some rough patches, let them know. You might feel silly or nervous or awkward, but I promise the other person will appreciate knowing they’ve helped you along the way. I cannot think of anything negative that can come from a genuine message of “I really appreciate everything you do for me.” Can you?

I’m still crying. And that’s okay.

If you read this far, thank you. I know this didn’t flow well at all.

PS: I got this in October as a daily reminder to just trust myself. I’m still working on it.

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The Diary of an Unhappy Nobody: Day 8

In exactly 15 days I’m supposed to be getting on a plane to Chicago for a week. When I started planning this I’d never heard the term “bomb cyclone” and 90% of the country didn’t just freeze over. But the weather is the least of my concerns.

I told y’all in my 2017 recap post about downloading dating apps last Spring while still on my last vacation. And now I’m doing it again. Going on a trip alone. My time in Boston last year was spectacular, but man, I’m not sure this is the best time for me to embark on a new solo adventure. I’m not sure any time soon would be a good time for it. I mean, what good is it to go to another city and state in the middle of winter just to feel even worse than I already do?

Unfortunately, I think it’s a real possibility I have an extraordinary time in Chicago only to find myself more lonely than ever before. But I won’t let that stop me.

So many people have no ability to travel at all and here I am. This will be my fourth trip in the last 20 months. Sure, I’m not the happiest I could be right now, but that’s okay. There are people struggling with depression. People contemplating suicide. People being bullied on a daily basis. People who don’t know how they’re going to pay their bills. People fighting terminal illness. I’m just a little unhappy and sad.

If all the people in the world who fall into any one of those categories can continue living each of their lives the best they can, then of course I can too. And that’s why I’m going to Chicago.

The Diary of an Unhappy Nobody: Day 7

A few months ago I was introduced to Friends for the first time. Save your shock. I’ve heard it already.

I’ve been using the show as I work through my own personal things. When I’m feeling really down I’ll watch a few episodes. When I’m lonely I turn it on because I’m always laughing when I watch. Yesterday I started season 9 of 10. I’ll likely be finished by the time I return from my trip the last week of January.

This is becoming bittersweet. I’m curious to see how everyone ends up, but I really don’t want the show to end for me. I know it actually ended almost 15 years ago, but this is all still the first time for me.

I’ll just have to find something or someone else to turn to when I need to. I’m open to suggestions.

The Diary of an Unhappy Nobody: Day 1

I have no idea what I’m doing. But I know I’m extremely unhappy. So I’m going to write about things.

It doesn’t matter much how or why I’ve reached this point. What matters is what happens going forward.

I’ve been given the opportunity to work from home full time. With that a big raise would also come because of the change in hours. But one of the things driving my constant unhappiness is the fact that I have no friends. I have no relationships I’m building. Which makes this decision more difficult because my coworkers are beyond great. I’m afraid that if I work from home full time and eliminate that interaction with them I may end up feeling much worse.

What would I do with more money? I’d invest more in my 401k. I’d invest more with my brokerage account. I’d give more to charity. And I’d plan a third trip in 2018.

Guys, I don’t know what to do. I know we don’t know each other on a personal level and I’ve been absent from here for a long time, but I could really use some help.