Saturday Selects #19: It’s all about control

Saturday Selects is a series of posts in which I discuss a random topic unrelated to the general bookish theme of the blog on the first Saturday of each month. Today we have a topic that I feel strongly about.

I’d be willing to bet that some of y’all can already guess what I’ll be talking about even though I haven’t said a thing about it just yet. Because it’s something we’ve all experienced or seen for ourselves. I’m talking about control. And more specifically, about control when it comes to dating.

Let me preface this by saying that I’ve never been in a real relationship. But I won’t let that stop me from having an opinion on something like this. Because in every instance it is unacceptable, and it doesn’t take much more than common sense to realize that.

Do you know anyone in a relationship who must know EXACTLY where their partner is at all times? Do you know anyone in a relationship who constantly makes all the important decisions ON THEIR OWN? Do you know anyone in a relationship who must have ALL the passwords to their partner’s social media accounts? Do you know anyone in a relationship who openly admits to looking through their partner’s texts and/or phone?

I’m sure you do. One, two, or even all of those. These people would likely argue that it’s about trust. And you shouldn’t have to hide anything in a relationship. And to that I’d say, “You aren’t fooling anyone with that nonsense.” To me, it’s about control. One person controlling the other person in a relationship. And there’s no discrimination here. It can definitely be either person, so don’t go thinking I’m only talking about guys or girls. Nope.

The worst thing is when these people who must be in control accuse their partner of lying or being unfaithful ALL THE TIME. Girl texting a guy friend? Oh, they’re obviously having sex. Girl posting selfies on social media? Oh, she obviously wants the attention of other guys. Guy Snapchatting a girl? Oh, they’re obviously sexting. Guy has a girl friend he’s known his whole life? Oh, they had to have hooked up before.

I’m not saying that these things don’t happen, but there’s a certain level of insecurity in a person who thinks it’s happening with every one of their partners. And quite frankly, no one should have to deal with it. I don’t call that a healthy relationship. It’s one thing to discuss things. It’s something else completely to have those discussions entirely one-sided.

If you’re someone who does any of these things in a relationship, then stop. I don’t typically go around telling people what they should or should not be doing, but I have no issue this time around. You’re wrong. And that great guy or girl you’re with is going to realize that there are plenty of people out there who want to be in a real relationship with them rather than control their life. And the day that happens is the day you’re left alone because of this need of yours to be in control of another human being.

---

On this day in 2014 I published Characters and Their Pets.

 

Saturday Selects: Guys

Photo Credit: UCSC Student Health Center

Saturday Selects is a series of posts I write the first Saturday of every month in which I discuss something unrelated to books. It just gives me the opportunity to discuss something a little different every now and again. And yes, I realize that this is the second Saturday. I was sleepy last week.

The title doesn’t give away much in the way of exactly what I’ll be discussing. Let me just tell you. Guys and what I think of something that happened very recently.

This post is partly inspired by a conversation I had with a co-worker just yesterday. We’re talking about girls with tattoos and I name off a few who we work with who have them or who have told me want to get them. He asks me what I think of girls with tattoos and of course I’m like “Are you kidding? Love them.” But then the conversation turns toward two specific girls we work with. He asks me what I think of them. Yes we were talking about appearance but that wasn’t the only thing I responded to. I told him what I thought of their personalities and that I don’t really talk to either of them outside of work. This is where it gets tricky.

The next thing I said was this, “But you’re engaged.”

His response: “That doesn’t matter. They don’t know that and don’t tell them.”

Before I get into what I think of this I have to be honest here. My reaction to this when it happened was this, “Ahahaha!”

Judge me. Anyway, it made me think about guys and all those stupid things people say. They only want sex. Or they don’t care about feelings. Or whatever. I don’t need to tell you all because you already know. The thing is that I’m no different from the rest of you. We all have those people we know who we don’t hang around because we don’t agree with something they do or how they live. Don’t you dare say you don’t, you liar. And we also have people of the opposite sex who we are or are not attracted to because of certain things. Let me just say that he’s one of those guys who I’d never have thought would be in his current situation. My reasoning for thinking this is my own and I won’t be disclosing.

But let me also tell you all that I know nothing about dating or relationships or any of that stuff. (Kind of like writing) The rare instances in which people ask about my experience I say I’ve had a couple girlfriends but nothing even remotely serious. I think the longest was like 3-4 months? I don’t even remember. So I don’t know how someone is supposed to act in a relationship. At all. I don’t know about who they should be hanging out with. If their boy/girlfriend should always know where they are. Texting. Social media. I literally have no idea how any of these things are affected once someone enters into a relationship. But that isn’t the point of this post.

I do know this. If you’re engaged to be married to someone, then there should be a level of respect between the two of you. Whether you’re the guy or the girl is irrelevant. I mean, if you want to be texting other girls/guys like crazy trying to see what can happen between the two of you, then what’s the point of being engaged or in a relationship at all? I just don’t see it.

So when I heard that these two girls are definitely under the impression that my co-worker is interested in them, well I felt kind of  bad for them. Cause I know them both and though I don’t really have any kind of personal relationship with either of them, it just sucks.

Respect the person you’re with, guys and girls, because we both know there’s someone who will if you won’t.

That’s all.